Twenty Sarcastic Comments about Diddy Kong 64 Maps

Last week I posted sixteen sarcastic comments on the Mario Kart 64 maps (view post here), and I decided to do something similar for Diddy Kong Racing.

Again, these posts were inspired by the Pleated Jeans post  Sarcastic Mottos for All 50 States

*All images courtesy of Super Mario Wiki

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Ancient Lake

Like Luigi’s Raceway, but with a dinosaur

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Fossil Canyon

Like Ancient Lake, but at sunset

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Jungle Falls

Come for the waterfalls, stay for the dino bones

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Hot Top Volcano

Where lava has never been less threatening

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Everfrost Peak

A.K.A Winter Wonderland with Planes

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Walrus Cove

Just kidding, there’s no walrus. There’s a loop-de-loop though!

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Snowball Valley

The snowballs will kill you

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Frost Village

Despite the name, there’s only three houses

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Whale Bay

Tropical Moby Dick

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Crescent Island

You drive through the pirate ship this time

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Pirate Lagoon

Yeah, you have to use the hovercraft

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Treasure Caves

Generic course, but with a cave

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Windmill Planes

No dragons here

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Greenwood Village

Now THIS is a village… with no dragons

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Boulder Canyon

There will be logs… but still no dragons

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Haunted Woods

These ghosts are more harmless than boos

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Spacedust Alley

The future is really, really purple

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Darkmoon Caverns

Six Flags, with craters

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Spaceport Alpha

Because every spaceport should have lasers to kill it’s inhabitants

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Star City

Viva Las Vegas

How I Almost Picked Up a Girl With My Pokemon T-Shirt

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“Love the shirt,” this girl to my side said. She played with her black ponytail while sipping a margarita.

“Birthday gift from my roommate,” I said. I was lying of course. I wasn’t about to tell this girl my mom sent me a Pokemon t-shirt.

She smiled and turned on the stool to face me. “I had Pokemon blue,” she said.

“Me too!” I said.

“Who did you start with?” she asked.

“Let’s say ours together,” I said.

“One…two… three!” we said.

“Bulbasaur,” I said.

“Charmander,” she said.

“Really? I always thought Charmander kinda sucked,” I said. I finished the White Russian in my hand and waved the bartender for another.

“No he didn’t,” she said.

“Of course he did,” I said. “He sucked against Brock. Scratch did shit against Geodude and Onix.”

The bartender set another White Russian on the counter. I started sipping.

This girl looked down to her margarita. “You don’t have to be so rude.”

“I’m just being honest,” I said.

“They’re not mutually exclusive,” she said. I watched her stand up and walk away.

I stayed at the bar and finished my drink. I’m serious when I say this barcade was cheap. The people huddled around the different games – Q-bert, the Simpsons, Caterpillar. – playing for fifty cents a pop. Only the most popular games were a quarter more.

And the girl was playing the Simpsons by herself. I could play second, I thought. We’d be a team, and I could show her that I’m not an asshole. I reached into my pocket and saw that I had fifty cents left. Perfect.

“Close me out,” I told the bartender. He nodded and passed my bill of eighteen dollars.

I walked to the Simpsons game where this girl was still playing. “I can join you, I got the fifty cents,” I said.

“It’s seventy-five,” she said without looking away from the screen.

“Ok,” I said and left.

The kicker of it all – I first chose Charmander. I don’t know why I lied. After loosing to Brock several times I started a new game and chose Bulbasaur. Much, much easier.

Shadow

Last Thursday I saw Dr. Dog at the Ogden Theater. The bus I rode was packed but I found a seat next to this guy with a ripped flannel shirt and a shaven head.

“I’m talking to my boy,” he said and I believed him. He held his phone in one hand and a scrunched up piece of paper in the other. “Listen to your mother,” he said and hung up. He then asked if I had a spare ticket.

“I do,” I said. Gina was supposed to come but we got in a fight the night before after she drunk dialed me. Half-pint margaritas at the Azteca. She made fun of my peanut allergy.

So I sold my ticket to this guy. Half-price.

“Name’s Gus,” he said. Only then did he bring the scrunched up paper to his nose, and only then did I notice a straw sticking out of it.

Gus followed me to the balcony, where thought I could get a good view and good a seat and drink a few beers alone.

“My shirt got caught on a nail today,” Gus said while I ordered my first Fat Tire. “I just tore the sleeve off.”

The seats were already taken so I found a spot on near aisle where I could lead on the raining. There was also enough space for Gus, so he stayed at my side.

“My brother was supposed to get me tickets for tonight, but he didn’t follow through. That fucker never follows through.” He said right before the band walked on stage.

The first set was great. Two hours of my favorite songs. Some of their earlier songs took me back to college when beer pong and Halo until four AM was a weekend routine. Gus didn’t buy any drinks but he saved my spot while I went to the bar for my second and third and fourth Flat Tires.

During the intermission Gus said he needed to step outside for a smoke. I watched him go into the bathroom instead. I pulled out my phone and requested a ride through Uber. I’m an impatient drunk and refuse to wait for a bus. In five minutes a guy named David in a silver Toyota Camry would be outside. I finished my beer and walked toward the stairs hoping to sneak out but Gus was back at my side.

“I guess you know Gus isn’t my real name,” he said.

“I had a feeling,” I said.

“People call me ‘Shadow,'” he said.

“Now I know that’s not true,” I said.

“You calling me a liar?”

“I gotta go,” I said. I heard him yell as I ran down the stairs though I couldn’t tell about what. Outside I saw the silver Toyota Camry and I hopped inside and I told David to take me to Gina’s place in Capital Hill.

************

I never mentioned that Gina only made a crack at my peanut allergy after I told her she got too drunk. She then pointed out that I had a few beers every night and showed no signs of stopping. I told her if she came to the show with me I wouldn’t drink.

“Now I know that’s not true,” she said.

I still wanted to tell Gina about the show and about Shadow. I guess after you sell a ticket to someone,  you also sell your friendship, at least for the night. That’s what Shadow thought. I wanted to know if Gina felt the same way.

16 Sarcastic Comments for Mario Kart 64 Maps

Alright everyone,

A couple weeks ago my co-worker shared with me a link to the Pleated Jeans article, “50 Sarcastic Mottos for All 50 States.” I laughed; we all laughed. Most of us co-workers aren’t from Colorado, and we agreed the comments made about our home states were spot on. If you haven’t seen the original post from Pleated Jeans, check it out here:

This inspired me to create a list of 16 Sarcastic Comments for one of my favorite video games – Mario Kart 64. Leave all comments below!

*all images courtesy of Wikipedia*

Thumbnail for version as of 01:44, 1 August 2010

Luigi’s Raceway

Because they needed something to shut up Luigi

Moo Moo Farm

Chubby will ruin your runaway win

Koopa Troopa Beach

Come for the ramps, stay for the crabs

Kalimari Desert

Laughing at the jerk who tries to beat the train and fails

Toad’s Turnpike

Never will you be more thankful for a star

Frappe Snowland

You’ll never listen to ‘Frosty the Snowman’ again

Choco Mountain

We laugh as you fall into the water trap

Mario Raceway

Like Luigi’s Raceway, only with a pipe at the end

Wario Stadium

Yes, I will hold onto the lightning bolt for you know when…

Sherbert Land

March of the giant penguins

Royal Raceway

There really IS a secret pathway if you drive down to Peach’s castle!

Bowser’s Castle

You know the music scared the s**t out of you as a kid

DK’s Jungle Parkway

You act like the stones don’t bother you, but they do…

Yoshi Valley

Synonymous with clusterf**k

Banshee Boardwalk

Where the Boos are the least of your troubles

Rainbow Road

An acid trip that never ends, except with a blue shell

Diary of a 15 Hour Road Trip

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12:14 PM – Leaving Arizona State. I had a nice Thanksgiving weekend with Kyle. He’s had a hard first semester but I think he’ll be fine. He’s coming to Denver for Christmas. I told him to shave his beard if he doesn’t want a speech from Mom.

12:35 PM – Arrived at Harris’ place in North Phoenix. I never met him before, but his RideShare and Facebook profiles are legit. A little girl with ponytails answered the door and she screamed for him.

12:40 PM – We’re off! Harris’ car is a piece of shit. A beat-up ’89 Toyota Camry. The stereo was missing but Harris rigged a couple speakers he bought at a Best Buy back in Phoenix. We’re listening to a Reggae band I’ve never heard of because I don’t listen to Reggae.

1:00 PM – We’re at a gas station a few miles north of Phoenix. I bought three protein bars and a pack of gum. I’m not even tempted by the cigarettes behind the counter. We’re waiting for the other passenger Jeremy to show up and then we’re off to Denver. Google Maps says we should be home by midnight.

1:33 PM – Left the gas station a while ago, but we’re stuck in traffic. Everyone’s heading to Sedona for the day. I’ve never been. Note to self – take trip to Sedona the next time I visit Kyle.

2:45 PM – I dossed of for a bit. But woke up to the smoke from Harris’ cigarette. Had a very strange dream. I was back in Kyle’s dorm and we were both staring out to the campus, which was taken over by roadrunners. I’ve never seen a roadrunner in person, yet there they were, hundreds of them. Pretty odd.

4:19 PM – Kyle messaged me to say where we were. I said somewhere still in Arizona. It turns out Jeremy is a student at CU Boulder. He’s majoring in physics. Harris lives up in the mountains where him and his wife live on a farm.

5:30 PM – Still listening to reggae. Still don’t recognize any of it. Honestly, it all sounds the same to me. I ate all three protein bars.

6:20 PM – We stopped for gas and back at the New Mexico border, and then decided to find a place for dinner. We found a Taco Bell. I bought two chicken tacos even though I’m not hungry. Google maps how says we’ll be in Denver by 1 AM.

6:30 PM – I’m in the back seat writing down my last entry for a while. It’s my turn to drive. I haven’t driven in over four years. Everyone knows about peer pressure, what about stranger pressure? It’s almost dark and Harris was behind the wheel for six hours. Jeremy pulled out his iPad and said his goal was to finish the second book of Game of Thrones tonight.

10:54 PM – I drove for the first time in four years. I drove between 80 and 90 miles for several hours across New Mexico. What the fuck was I thinking? I loved it, but what was I thinking. We’re at a gas station and still about an hour south of the Colorado border. I could tell Jeremy was itching to get behind the wheel. I pulled a couple stunts out of inexperience that I knew he didn’t appreciate.

11:34 PM – Harris is asleep in the back and Jeremy is now concentrating on the road. Him and I had a good conversation while I was driving. He’s a freshman, juts like Kyle. He sure that after undergrad he wants to go straight to grad school. I told him a bit about my brother. Kyle’s not sure what he wants to be doing and is taking intro classes this semester to get them out of the way.

Jeremy: Did you go to college?”

Me: Yup, University of Oregon. I graduated three years ago.

Jeremy: What was your major?

Me: Political Science. I never used it.

Jeremy: Why not?

Me: I came back to Denver and tried applying for jobs but never found anything. I got a job as a sales rep for a tech company but quit in the Spring.

Jeremy: Where do you work now?

Me: A warehouse. We pack camping gear. It’s been good doing something physical for a while.

I’m not sure why I wrote out that bit of conversation.

12:22 AM – Finally in Colorado. Google Maps now says we should be at Denver by 2:30 AM.

1:03 AM – Jeremy moved to the back seat and Harris is behind the wheel again. He’s offered me a cigarette three times and Jeremy at least seven or eight. He’s a cool guy though. He spends holidays down in Phoenix because that’s where he grew up and he’s the only one in his family to live in Colorado.

Harris: It’s good to see my folks, but it’s more important to spend time with my daughter

Me: How old is she.

Harris: Almost four. Her birthday is January 2nd.

Me: Is she the girl that answered the door?

Harris: That’s her.

2:00 AM – Almost there! I just sent a message to Kyle to let him know where close to Denver. He’s at a party on campus and they’re about to head off for some pizza. I told him he’s in Arizona, and that nachos would be better. He asked how the fuck I’d know that. I guess I don’t.

2:37 AM – Back home and in my room upstairs. I was as quiet as I could be without waking Mom and Dad. Jeremy was passed out in the back seat and I didn’t want to wake him. Harris offered his place if I ever wanted to get out of Denver for a weekend.

2:46 AM – I messaged Kyle to let him know I’m home. He said good, and that they were on their way to get nachos.

Video Games Win Grammys Too!

OK, so once in Grammy history has an award gone to a video game song. This was in 2011, when Baba Yetu from Civilization IV won the “Best Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying Vocalists” category at the 53rd awards ceremony (view the Wikipedia article here).

The field opened up in April 2012, when the Recording Academy opened up the following categories to video game music:

Best Music for Visual Media
Best Compilation Soundtrack for Visual Media
Best Score Soundtrack for Visual Media
Best Song Written for Visual Media

That December, the score for the video game Journey was nominated for Best Score Soundtrack for Visual Media.

Video game scores and songs are recognized by several other associations each year, including:

The Game Awards (produced by Geoff Keighley, who before worked on the Spike Video Game Awards):

  • 2014 Best Score/Soundtrack – Destiny

International Film Music Critics Association:

  • 2014 Best Original Score for a Video Game or Interactive Media nominees (winners will be announced February 19th)
    • Assassin’s Creed: Unity, music by Chris Tilton and Sarah Schachner
    • The Banner Saga, music by Austin Wintory
    • Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2, music by Óscar Araujo
    • Sid Meier’s Civilization: Beyond Earth, music by Geoff Knorr, Griffin Cohen, Michael Curran and Grant Kirkhope
    • World of Warcraft: Warlords of Draenor, music by Russell Brower, Neal Acree, Clint Bajakian, Sam Cardon, Craig Stuart Garfinkle, Edo Guidotti and Eímear Noone

What are some of your favorite video game songs and scores? Leave a comment below!

Darts

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Charles started that week in our sales department and I didn’t really know him. It was nice to have someone else join John, Ryan and myself. It was always the three of us that went out, probably because we were still single and quite immature about some things.

Anyways, I unzipped by jacket to show twenty sprites from the original Mario Bros. game for NES.

So the rest of the time we discussed video games. NES, SNES, N64. Even Ryan brought up Sega Genesis. I never had a Genesis, but Ryan was also thirty and years older then John and me. We boasted on the hours spent playing, the number of tries to beat the bosses, all while playing darts. We sucked at darts. We played around the world and John got to fourteen before we called it quits.

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“We should hang one night and play video games,” Charles said. John offered his place. His one person apartment had a large-screen TV and a refrigerator filled with pre-made protein shakes and beer. I offered to bring the game I had sent from home. Donkey Kong, Mario Kart, Super Smash Bros., Goldeneye.

Of course, John didn’t really have anyone over. The video game night never happened. We only hung out with each other after work at this bar, nothing more. This was an unspoken agreement, and Charles caught on. After two weeks Charles stopped coming out with us.